Maria Nicanor

misfit toy

01.11 02.11 03.11 04.11 05.11 06.11 10.11 11.11 12.11 01.12 02.12 03.12 04.12 05.12 06.12 07.12 10.12 11.12 12.12 01.13 02.13 03.13 04.13 05.13 06.13 07.13 08.13 09.13 10.13 11.13 12.13 01.14 02.14 03.14 05.14 03.17 01.18

Follow Me

22 janeiro 2018

Dear Mickey,

I always had this irrational fear that one day you would discover that I am not as great as you'd picture me. But you didn't. You have allowed yourself this stupid ability to love this unlovable person. You loved my flaws and showed mercy to my wild personality. "You are a wild ride Mim's, and a challenge... Thank god I love challenges!" I heard you say many times.

The truth is there was never more patient person for me, don't think there will ever be honestly, because everything just bored me and because you were different in all your parity to the regular human being. We have always been more different than alike, I'm distant, talkative in the same mesures I am thoughtful and ironic; you were constant, serious and reserved, and romantic. There were times I have hated you more than a thousand mad giants, no one ever was capable of making me as angry as you, in those times I felt everything so deeply, but you were usually right and I was wrong. I'm frequently wrong when it comes to love. Yet, you loving me I can not say you were a wise lover, because a wise choice would be to love someone less complicated, but you were a hopeless romantic and you learned to love the halves that halve me in half, the in between bits, the gory bits of me. I thought I understood it, but I didn't, I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole. The wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. I thought i understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn't.

Although I don't know how is it you were so familiar to me, that from the beginning it felt less like I was learning to know you but more like I was remembering who you were. How the sound of your voice, the weird looks you made me when you were embarrassed or even your smile, it made me realize that I have come acros you before. I have loved you before. But not in this life, in some other existence. It was this conclusion that made me question my beliefs about life and dead. The things we had with each other, it couldn't just had been from this life.

You were a good man, you never needed to put a show or worry about impressing others. And you were beautiful, handsome, more that I could have ever asked. But you were not only beautiful for something as temporary as your looks. You were beautiful deep down on your soul.

"You are my favorite place to visit when my mind searches for peace" I used to say, remembering you whispering to me one night quoting Heart ("The hidden cracks, the breakable parts, the scared child in your heart, the tears in yours soul, are the most lovable parts of you"). You were the first thing that ever was mine.

I love you so much that my bones hurt and it crushes me that you had such brief due date. It has been hard to live in a world without you, it made me hopeless. For years I questioned how could I exist without the best part of me? I never wanted to remember the sick version of you but I do, unfortunately. But that is not you, it was not who you were, your disease can never be what defines you because there was so much more to you than that.

I just wanted you to know that I am okay. I found another love, a different one. A good one too but that will never stop me from loving you until my heart beats last, even further. I will love you until my soul gets so old, it disappears. And even as a drop in the ocean I will love you. Because my dear lover, best friend, my love is and endurance race and you are very much missed.

Forever yours,
0 ♣