naoquerofalardesexo
Maria Nicanor

misfit toy

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27 novembro 2012


She was still waiting for him to come back to her, even though he wasn't going to. She was still holding out for something that wasn't going to happen. She was good at waiting. That seemed like a sad thing to be good at.
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Não falaram, não conseguiam.. Por isso vaguearam por aí, ele atrás dela, que ia esvoaçando por aí. Eram como dois espíritos  livres, ele amava demais e ela tão pouco.
Por entre sorrisos e brincadeiras perguntou-lhe, "Continuo bonita?"
Ele olhou-a nos olhos pela primeira vez durante muito tempo e disse, "Algum dia paraste?" 
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26 novembro 2012


«Pega no telefone e liga-lhe, não tens nada a perder. Diz-lhe que tens saudades dele, que ninguém te faz tão feliz, que os teus dias são secos, frios e áridos, como um deserto imenso, sem oásis nem miragens, sempre que não estão juntos.

Pega no telefone e liga-lhe. Se ele não atender, deixa-lhe uma mensagem. Ou então escreve-lhe uma mensagem a dizer que queres estar com ele. Não te alongues nem elabores, os homens nunca percebem o que queres deixar cair nas entrelinhas. Tens de ser clara, directa, incisiva. E não podes ter medo, porque o medo é o maior inimigo do amor. Cada vez que deixares o medo entrar-te nas tuas veias, ele vai gelar-te o sangue e paralisar-te os nervos, ficas transformada numa estátua de sal e morres por dentro.

A vida é uma incógnita, hoje estás aqui, amanhã podes ficar doente, ou cair-te um piano em cima quando fores a andar na rua. Ainda há pessoas que atiram pianos pela janela, sabias? Nunca se sabe como será o dia de amanhã, por isso não percas tempo: pega no telefone e liga-lhe. Tenho a certeza que ele te vai ouvir, tenho a certeza que ele te vai ajudar, tenho a certeza que ele, à sua maneira - e é tão estranha a forma como os homens gostam de nós - ainda gosta de ti. Mesmo que já não te ame, ainda gosta de ti, como tu vais aprender a gostar dele, quando a vida te obrigar a desistir deste amor. Ele está longe, mas olha por ti por entre memórias, presentes e flores. À noite, entre sonhos alterados pelo álcool, tu apareces-lhe na cama e ele volta a sentir o cheiro da tua pele e volta a amar-te com todas as suas forças. Ainda que não acredites, tu viverás para sempre nele, tal como ele vive em ti, na memória das tuas células, num passado que pode ser o teu escudo, mesmo que não seja o teu futuro.

Pega no telefone e liga-lhe. Fala com ele de coração aberto, diz-lhe que o queres ver, pede-lhe que te diga se sim ou se não. Se for preciso, por mais que te custe, pede-lhe para te escrever a palavra NÃO. Pede-lhe uma resposta para o teu coração. Mais vale saberes que acabou tudo do que viveres com as laranjas todas no ar, qual malabarista exausto, sem saberes nem como nem quando elas vão cair. Mais vale chorar a tristeza de um amor perdido do que sonhar com um oásis que se transformou numa miragem.

Pega no telefone e liga-lhe. Liga as vezes que forem precisas até conseguires uma resposta, a paz de uma certeza, mesmo que essa certeza não seja a que desejavas ouvir. Mas não fiques quieta, à espera que a vida te traga respostas. A vida é tua, tens de ser tu a vivê-la, não podes deixar que ela passe por ti, tu é que passas por ela. E quando todas as laranjas caírem, apanha-as com cuidado, guarda-as num cesto e muda de profissão. O circo é para quem não tem casa nem país, não é vida para ninguém. Guarda as laranjas num cesto, leva-as para casa e faz um bolo de saudades para esquecer a mágoa. E nunca deixes de sonhar.. (...) Larga as laranjas e muda de vida.» Margarida Rebelo Pinto
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24 novembro 2012


I'm so glad you made time to see me.. How is life? Tell me, how is your family? I haven't seen them in a while. You've been good, busier than ever. Small talk, work and the weather.. Your guard is up and I know why. Because the last time you saw me still burns in the back of your mind: you gave me roses and I left them there to die.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call, then I think about summer, all the beautiful times.. I watched you laughing from the passenger seat and realized I loved you in the fall. And then the cold came, with the dark days when the fear crept into my mind, you gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye.
I miss your tan skin and your sweet smile, so good to me, so right, and how you held me in your arms that September night the first time that you ever saw me cry. 
But this is me, swallowing my pride, saying I'm sorry for that night, wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine. And I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind. I'd go back in time and change it but I can't so if the chain is on your door, I understand.
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"What was it about Eric? He was handsome and talented, yeah. But lots of guys were. She had adored Billy Klein back in Alabama the summer before, and she had even felt attracted to him, but it wasn't like this. What made you feel that stomach-churning agony for one person and not another?"
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20 novembro 2012


Sometimes, when she thought of him, and now more powerfully when she saw him, she felt some achy nostalgia for her old self. For the dauntless, daring soul she used to be. There were certain qualities you possessed carelessly. And you couldn't retrieve them when they were gone.
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19 novembro 2012



I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly and people would say "they're the lucky ones". I used to know my place was the spot next to you.. lately I don't even know what page you're on. So many things that I wish you knew..
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking, and I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me? How did we end up this way? I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud..
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
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17 novembro 2012


Tibby cried into her soup when it finally came. 
“I’m scared… ”, she told it. 
The carrots and peas made no reply, but she felt better for having told them.
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15 novembro 2012


To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret. I'd give all I have honey, if you could stay like that. Oh darling, don't you ever grow up, just stay this little.
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart and no one will desert you.. just try to never grow up, it could stay this simple.
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred and even though you want to, just try to never grow up.
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room, memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home.. Remember the footsteps, remember the words said..
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14 novembro 2012


When she made her way to the big picture window that framed the dining room table she froze. 
She stopped breathing. 
The anger was growing again.
It grew up into her throat, where she could taste it, coppery like blood, in the back of her mouth. It grew down into her stomach, where it knotted her intestines. It made her arms stiffen and her shoulders lock. It pushed against her ribs until she felt they would snap like sticks.
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13 novembro 2012



She kept walking.
The very small, brave part of her brain knew that this would be her one chance.
If she turned around, she would lose it.
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11 novembro 2012

 
You could feel things or you could find a way to shut down. But once you were feeling things, you couldn't decide exactly what to feel (...) and maybe, sometimes, it was easier to be mad at the people you trusted because you knew they'll always love you, no matter what.
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06 novembro 2012

She saw the knife standing on the kitchen counter. Sharpened. It would be so easy to take that pain away. Easy like sunday morning.
She hated herself for thinking about that. But she has been hating herself for a long time, she hates herself more than everyone else does, more than all of them. The only reason for her to be alive is to look after the important people, the ones who need looking after, but even that she can't do properly.
The truth is, she can't handle it. But you don't know that, do you? Of course you don't, she never wanted you to. She keeps it all inside because she rather let the pain destroy her than everyone else.
The knife looked so soft, so gentle and she hold that firmly in her hand.
She remembered how all the smiles keep hurting her cheeks, how you try to fit in but you can't..
She cut a little bit of skin, and then more but it never seemed to be enough. Her belly hurted on the outside and the blood was shedding but she was only trying to kill the thing on the inside. She always is. 
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05 novembro 2012

Just close your eyes, the sun is going down.. You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now.
Don't you dare look out your window darling, everything's on fire, the war outside our door keeps raging on. Hold into this lullaby even when the music's gone.
Just close your eyes, you'll be alright. Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound..
I'm joining you sooner than you think.


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01 novembro 2012


Relacionamentos e casamentos são, inequivocamente, coisas boas. Só que não as quero. De maneira nenhuma.
Portanto, sou essa coisa fora de moda: uma pessoa satisfeita. Para mim não faz sentido andar constantemente à procura de novos desafios para vencer ou a tentar subir sempre mais um patamar. Sou feliz com o que tenho. Porque é que precisaria de mais?
Ainda assim, consigo perceber que é bom mergulhar e emergir no mundo de outras pessoas antes de regressar ao nosso.
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